Hasten Thee to the Derby!

I like writing funny stuff... well, at least I think it's funny.  I especially get a kick out of writing things in a "Scriptural" style.  Several years ago I wrote this thing about the Pinewood Derby.  Before I got married I made and raced Pinewood Derby cars (I never lost a race, but I'll brag about that some other time).  Winning at the Pinewood Derby is something of a family affair, with my Uncle David being my major inspiration.  I still proudly display my cars in our home, though I haven't made any new ones for several years.  Time and budget constraints really put a hamper on my PWD R&D.  Not too long ago I came across this thing I wrote.  I don't know when or why I wrote it, but I got a kick out of reading it again after so long.  The first thing I thought when I read it was that Uncle David would appreciate this.  So I sent it to him.  He told me how much he liked it, so I decided to up it up here, just in case anyone else cared to read it.  Looking at it now, there are things I wish I had written differently, but I decided to leave it as it is.  I hope you like it.  

The Book of the Derby

Now behold, there dwelt in the city of Hillsboro a man named Phil, who was a man of few talents.

2          And it came to pass that in the tenth month of the year it was the tradition of certain of the people to gather together to celebrate and race their Pinewood Derby cars.

3          Now it was that all of the people, save Phil, did put off preparing their Pinewood Derby cars to race, some even did procrastinate their work until the day of the derby.

4          And Phil said to himself on this wise:  lo, though I be a man of little talent, I shall begin early the work on my derby racer, lest by my sloth I am overcome at the derby, and I prevail not.

5          And though this be but the sixth month I shall trust in the wisdom of God, that through his wisdom I might be delivered.

6          Thus did Phil begin at an early time, yea, even an exceedingly early time, to build and prepare his car for the derby.

7          And it came to pass that Phil did labor with his might and with his power tools and with his calipers and with his magnifiers, yea, even with all the means which he had been blessed with. 

8          And Phil did labor with his hands for many months, and after spending all that he had on this one car, he raised up the work of his hands and said:

9          Behold the work of mine hand!  Through the strength of the arm of the Lord, who has magnified my talents, have I built this Pinewood Derby racer.  And behold, it is beautiful and desirable above all other cars that before I have made. 

10        Blessed be the name of the Lord, for through his wisdom shall I overcome my adversaries.

11        Now after many days came Phil to the place where the multitude had gathered together to race their cars and to cast their eyes upon the cars of their adversaries. 

12        But the heart of Phil was stirred within him with fear, for he feared that his car should not prevail over all the others, notwithstanding his cars never have been beaten.

13        Nevertheless, Phil did beat his breast and gnash his teeth and sweat great drops of sweat, but trusted in God for his deliverance. 

14        Now behold, in the first race Phil’s car prevailed, and he was much relieved. 

15        And in the second race, Phil did overcome his adversaries, his car being faster than all others by an embarrassing amount. 

16        And lo, in all the races did Phil’s car outpace those of his adversaries, even so that after all the races had been raced, Phil had not been beaten. 

17        And thus was Phil crowned with glory and did receive a small plastic trophy, and he was glad in his heart that the racing had been concluded. 

18        But behold, though Phil was crowned with glory and honor, many of his adversaries did not cease to complain, saying among themselves that Phil had been dishonest in the making of his car, and accusing him of using all manner of unnatural means of obtaining his victory over them, notwithstanding Phil’s perfect uprightness before the Lord in building his Pinewood Derby car. 

19        Now his adversaries did murmur against him, saying that he should give up his trophy, and be disqualified from the races. 

20        Nevertheless, despite their murmuring, Phil’s adversaries did question him unceasingly concerning the building of his car, hoping to build their cars as did he, so that they too could be triumphant. 

21        But because of their complaints, Phil did become cross with them, and did give them no tips to improve their cars.