After reviewing the results from our recent contest, we have determined the winners. The competition was fierce, the injuries were severe, and the refreshments were terrific. The results were much contested, with loud protests on all sides. However, we have come to the conclusion that the winners are as follows:
For Guess Baby's Birth Date, the winner is Lynda Cotton, who chose December 18th, which was the actual date of birth.
For Guess Baby's Weight, the winner is Tammy Miner, who guessed 7 lbs, 1 oz. Baby's actual weight was 6 lbs, 14 oz, and Tammy was the closest entry.
Congratulations to our winners! Prizes will be awarded in person by the distinguished Prize Committee, at a private ceremony that will make the Oscars look like Lady's Night at Classy Bill's Discount House of Ribs and Denture Repair. Those fortunate enough to be graced with an invitation will be expected to appear in their Tuesday best. Shoes are optional.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
The Words of Brandonhi
Chapter 1
Brandonhi reviews the previous nine months and laments his weekend.
1 Now it came to pass that in the fourth month of the ninth year of the new millennium, Brandonhi and his wife did conceive a child. And the doctor said unto them,
2 Behold, on the twelfth day of the twelfth month, thou shalt deliver a baby. But behold, it may be late.
3 Nevertheless, Brandonhi and his wife did rejoice much, for their home had been desolate of child for lo these many years, and they did pray unto the Lord their God for a child of their own.
4 And it came to pass that Brandonhi did say unto his wife,
5 Carleneha, look ye at yonder calendar. Behold, many months do we have in which to prepare for the coming of our child. Many things have we to accomplish, but there is time enough.
6 And Carleneha said unto him, Yea.
7 And nine months did pass away, in the which many of those things were neglected.
8 And it came to pass that Brandonhi said unto his wife, Behold, these nine months have withered away as a reed in the noonday sun. Our days of preparation have passed, and lo, many have been wasted in idleness and childbirth classes. Yea, we are unprepared for the coming of our child, therefore, cross thy legs and hold her in.
9 But Carleneha reproved her husband with sharpness and said, Behold, have not we prepared a room for her in our place of dwelling, yea, even a nursery? Is it not pink and lovely and well furnished?
10 And Brandonhi said unto her, Yea.
11 Nevertheless, and not withstanding, they did look forward to the twelfth day of the twelfth month with much gladness.
12 And lo, the twelfth day of the twelfth month of the ninth year of the new millennium did draw near, yet there were no signs given that their baby should be delivered as the doctor had led them to believe. Therefore did they lament.
13 And it came to pass that on the eleventh day of the twelfth month, yea, Brandonhi did return home from his labors in the workplace, and he was exhausted nigh unto sleepiness. And he did wax joyful in the thought of the weekend.
14 But lo, as his wife was preparing their evening meal, there came a strange noise from the parking place of their automobile. And Brandonhi was sore afraid. And he did hasten to that parking place and did discover an evil mess.
15 For behold, because of the dreaded warming of the climate, it had been freezing lo these many days. And such freezing did put much strain upon the plumbing of their dwelling place, insomuch that on the eleventh day of the twelfth month, their plumbing did give up the ghost. Behold, the plumbing did break, and did spill much precious water.
16 Now behold, when Brandonhi and his wife had laid their eyes on their broken plumbing, they were stricken with terror, for never before had they seen such a calamity in their own dwelling place.
17 And it came to pass that they did spend many hours on the telephone, trying in vain to communicate with their company of insurance. And the night did come upon them, and there was no water throughout their dwelling place.
18 And they said unto themselves, Behold, wherefore shall we stay this night, for we have no water to drink and wash ourselves and flush our toilets. And Brandonhi said,
19 Yea, we have foreseen many disasters, but this one hath caught us unawares. Blessed are we, for we have prepared water in barrels, lest the day should come that there was no water. Behold, let us therefore, use this water in barrels for the flushing of our toilets.
20 And Carleneha said unto him, Whatever. I am great with child, and the room of rest is my second home. Nevertheless, I no longer believe in the stories of old, that an insurance adjuster will return our calls. Therefore let us stay the night in our own bed.
21 And Brandonhi said unto her, Yea.
22 And it came to pass, that the twelfth day of the twelfth month did arrive, but it brought with it no child, nor any signs thereof.
23 Now behold, instead of delivering a child, they did spend many hours on the phone trying to find a plumber. Yea, and they did find for themselves a plumber, but behold, he could not mend their plumbing until many days hence. Nevertheless, he did instruct them over the phone, and did bless them with running water again.
24 And much business will Brandonhi and his wife refer to that plumber for his kindness, and may the blessings of heaven rest upon him and his posterity for all of their days.
25 And it came to pass that Brandonhi and his wife did cease to lament their hardships for a time. Nevertheless, they did wonder among themselves over the existence of the claims adjuster, for he has yet to contact them.
26 And now, Brandonhi and his wife do only lament the lateness of their baby, for Carleneha doth say, Get it out! For though I am glad she did not come unto us this day, yet I am anxious that she be delivered, yea, for I weary of her kicking me in the ribs.
27 And now, many doth wonder about the condition of Carleneha and her husband. They are anxious for the coming of their child, which they already doth love and adore. And they do trust in the Lord that their plumbing shall soon be made whole, but do curse the name or their company of insurance and praise the memory of their plumber.
28 And thus endeth the twelfth day of the twelfth month, and Carleneha saith, At least this weekend is over.
29 And Brandonhi saith unto her, Nay. For there remaineth yet one more day for things to go wrong in this weekend. But we shall pray that the Lord keep us safe and unfrozen, and that he deliver unto us a child before Monday, so that I do not have to return to my labors for a week. For behold, I needeth a week off.
Brandonhi reviews the previous nine months and laments his weekend.
1 Now it came to pass that in the fourth month of the ninth year of the new millennium, Brandonhi and his wife did conceive a child. And the doctor said unto them,
2 Behold, on the twelfth day of the twelfth month, thou shalt deliver a baby. But behold, it may be late.
3 Nevertheless, Brandonhi and his wife did rejoice much, for their home had been desolate of child for lo these many years, and they did pray unto the Lord their God for a child of their own.
4 And it came to pass that Brandonhi did say unto his wife,
5 Carleneha, look ye at yonder calendar. Behold, many months do we have in which to prepare for the coming of our child. Many things have we to accomplish, but there is time enough.
6 And Carleneha said unto him, Yea.
7 And nine months did pass away, in the which many of those things were neglected.
8 And it came to pass that Brandonhi said unto his wife, Behold, these nine months have withered away as a reed in the noonday sun. Our days of preparation have passed, and lo, many have been wasted in idleness and childbirth classes. Yea, we are unprepared for the coming of our child, therefore, cross thy legs and hold her in.
9 But Carleneha reproved her husband with sharpness and said, Behold, have not we prepared a room for her in our place of dwelling, yea, even a nursery? Is it not pink and lovely and well furnished?
10 And Brandonhi said unto her, Yea.
11 Nevertheless, and not withstanding, they did look forward to the twelfth day of the twelfth month with much gladness.
12 And lo, the twelfth day of the twelfth month of the ninth year of the new millennium did draw near, yet there were no signs given that their baby should be delivered as the doctor had led them to believe. Therefore did they lament.
13 And it came to pass that on the eleventh day of the twelfth month, yea, Brandonhi did return home from his labors in the workplace, and he was exhausted nigh unto sleepiness. And he did wax joyful in the thought of the weekend.
14 But lo, as his wife was preparing their evening meal, there came a strange noise from the parking place of their automobile. And Brandonhi was sore afraid. And he did hasten to that parking place and did discover an evil mess.
15 For behold, because of the dreaded warming of the climate, it had been freezing lo these many days. And such freezing did put much strain upon the plumbing of their dwelling place, insomuch that on the eleventh day of the twelfth month, their plumbing did give up the ghost. Behold, the plumbing did break, and did spill much precious water.
16 Now behold, when Brandonhi and his wife had laid their eyes on their broken plumbing, they were stricken with terror, for never before had they seen such a calamity in their own dwelling place.
17 And it came to pass that they did spend many hours on the telephone, trying in vain to communicate with their company of insurance. And the night did come upon them, and there was no water throughout their dwelling place.
18 And they said unto themselves, Behold, wherefore shall we stay this night, for we have no water to drink and wash ourselves and flush our toilets. And Brandonhi said,
19 Yea, we have foreseen many disasters, but this one hath caught us unawares. Blessed are we, for we have prepared water in barrels, lest the day should come that there was no water. Behold, let us therefore, use this water in barrels for the flushing of our toilets.
20 And Carleneha said unto him, Whatever. I am great with child, and the room of rest is my second home. Nevertheless, I no longer believe in the stories of old, that an insurance adjuster will return our calls. Therefore let us stay the night in our own bed.
21 And Brandonhi said unto her, Yea.
22 And it came to pass, that the twelfth day of the twelfth month did arrive, but it brought with it no child, nor any signs thereof.
23 Now behold, instead of delivering a child, they did spend many hours on the phone trying to find a plumber. Yea, and they did find for themselves a plumber, but behold, he could not mend their plumbing until many days hence. Nevertheless, he did instruct them over the phone, and did bless them with running water again.
24 And much business will Brandonhi and his wife refer to that plumber for his kindness, and may the blessings of heaven rest upon him and his posterity for all of their days.
25 And it came to pass that Brandonhi and his wife did cease to lament their hardships for a time. Nevertheless, they did wonder among themselves over the existence of the claims adjuster, for he has yet to contact them.
26 And now, Brandonhi and his wife do only lament the lateness of their baby, for Carleneha doth say, Get it out! For though I am glad she did not come unto us this day, yet I am anxious that she be delivered, yea, for I weary of her kicking me in the ribs.
27 And now, many doth wonder about the condition of Carleneha and her husband. They are anxious for the coming of their child, which they already doth love and adore. And they do trust in the Lord that their plumbing shall soon be made whole, but do curse the name or their company of insurance and praise the memory of their plumber.
28 And thus endeth the twelfth day of the twelfth month, and Carleneha saith, At least this weekend is over.
29 And Brandonhi saith unto her, Nay. For there remaineth yet one more day for things to go wrong in this weekend. But we shall pray that the Lord keep us safe and unfrozen, and that he deliver unto us a child before Monday, so that I do not have to return to my labors for a week. For behold, I needeth a week off.
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